Great; we’ve made it halfway through the year. Congratulations.
I’ve yet to get over the worst writer’s block I’ve had in years. If you find it incoherent or the conclusion somewhat hanging, that is why.
The last four months have been good so far; at last, after what seemed like forever under lockdowns and pseudo-lockdowns, I’ve been able to bring back pieces of my normal way of life one step at a time, from going to church on Sundays to working at the office, dining out, and going to the movies from time to time. These are activities I used to take for granted, but now even a routine trip to the supermarket works wonders to keep my stress levels in check.
But the road to recovery has so far been bittersweet. Just as I was slowly gaining a new sense of normalcy, I’ve also had to come to terms with the fact that my faculties have taken a beating in the last two years. The cycle of despair in 2020, and especially 2021, erased whatever victory I had over anxiety, decimated whatever self-confidence I managed to build up in the last decade, wrecked my ability to focus on and commit to anything, and stole my ability to look forward with enthusiasm. While I no longer suffer from panic attacks like I did last year, I still find myself struggling to express my thoughts and ideas in any setting to the point of stuttering or being incoherent with words. To be able to stay on top of my work should be a given, but it has become more of a moonshot lately. And no matter how hard I try, I can’t shake the feeling that my best days are in the past and that there isn’t much to look forward to.
I’m confident that I can and eventually will regain the ability to chill, focus, and look forward to better days, but I’ve yet to come to terms with the fact that this recovery journey will have to take longer than I thought and that it will take more than regaining a sense of normalcy. While I must admit that I could have had a tighter grip on my mind in the last two years, I cannot be too hard on myself.
I hope to return to my personal pursuits this coming month after putting them off for a long time. I’ve long had plans for Makiroll and content creation in general, and I look forward to finally getting them done. In the meantime, I'll save myself trouble by trying not to force myself out of my writer’s block; just to conclude this post is an exercise in frustration, to be honest, but I just wanted to get some thoughts out.
We’ve all lost something in the last two years, but with each passing day comes an opportunity to make up. Rebuilding will not be a walk in the park, but it’s the only way to go.

Midyear

I've been spewing negativity on social media since last night; sorry about that. I'll take just one more opportunity to speak my mind before I go off the grid for the rest of the week to cool down. I can do better than to let my emotions rule over me.
The results of the election have been disappointing, to say the least. It has been proven time and time again that in this country, popularity, name recall, and charisma trump integrity, intellect, and action. This comes as no surprise, but it has never been less frustrating. It's convenient to call the 30+ million who voted for the winning candidate idiots, but to go that far wouldn't make me any different from the hordes of fanatics who have been taunting Leni supporters since last night. Some of them may have good reasons to vote as they did, and while I do not agree with them, I respect them. And even if most of them voted as they did out of petty reasons such as name recall, winnability, regionalism, and deference to elders, to name a few, it would be unbiblical and reprehensible to call them fools. Everyone has a voice and a story, and deserves to be heard.
In my opinion, the greatest threat to the Philippines is not another dictator, incompetent leadership, growing debt, or the loss of foreign investment; it's Filipinos themselves. For decades we have nurtured a culture of patronage that has bred corruption, impunity, injustice, and mendicancy. Many of us, in one way or another, have weaponized the seemingly noble concept of "utang na loob" to keep others beholden to us. In keeping with humanity's lack of a penchant for critical thought in recent years, we have chosen to be oblivious to gaslighting and manipulation and relish in entertainment that numbs us further. We have relished in a culture that glorified poverty more than it inspired anyone to work for (or even dream of) a better life. But that's not the worst part; despite recognizing these toxic aspects of our culture, which brought us to where we are now, we are conveniently fatalistic on the subject of changing it for the better. "Nakaugalian na yan, di na natin mababago yan," (That's the way it is, there's nothing we can do) we often tell ourselves.
If your chosen candidates won, congratulations. You have every right to celebrate; just don't be a (forgive me) dick about it. Always remember that you do not owe them; they owe you.
And for those of you who are just as pissed, if not more so, as I am, give yourselves time to grieve. But after all the grief, after we've all cooled down, we should direct our energies to fostering a change of culture. To say that it's an uphill battle is an understatement; I reckon it'll take at least two generations and the most ruthless information campaign this country has ever seen to make it happen, but a little progress is better than no progress at all. Culture is no sacred cow. It's a human construct, and just as it takes humans to create it, it also takes humans to change it.
Thoughts of emigrating have been flooding my mind all night, but even if I do, I still look forward to retiring to a better country with a more promising future than the one I leave.

On last night

A note to non-Filipino readers: I’ll publish an English translation soon.
Hello po.
Eleksyon na po sa Lunes. Magkakaroon na naman po tayo ng pagkakataong pumili ng mga taong magpapatakbo ng Pilipinas nang mas maayos at matino (sana). Wag po kayong mag-alala; di ko po ipipilit sa inyo ang mga napili kong kandidato o kahit magdikta man lang; ginagalang ko ang pasya ninyo at sana ganun din kayo sa akin. Magpapaalala lang po ako.
Una po, agahan po natin ang pagpunta sa botohan kung kakayanin. Pag tanghali po kasi, mainit na. Sa init po ng panahon, di po malabong uminit din ang mga ulo lalo na kung marami nang tao at totopakin pa ang mga VCM dahil sa init. Mainam na rin po sigurong magbaon kayo ng tubig at pamaypay o bentilador.
Pangalawa po, siguruhin nyo pong maayos ang pagmamarka nyo sa balota. I-shade nyo po nang husto yung bilog, pero wag nyo naman pong sobrahan at baka tumagos sa kabila. Ingatan nyo pong di madumihan yung balota para hindi iluwa ng VCM. Basahin nyo pong mabuti yung resibo bago ihulog sa drop box.
Pangatlo po, at pinakamahalaga sa lahat, sana po ay nilubos nyo na ang nakaraang mga buwan para suriing mabuti yung mga tatakbo, alamin ang mga plano nila, at tignan ang mga motibo nila sa pagtakbo. Importante po ito kasi marami po sa atin ang bumoboto sa eleksyon na parang bumoboto sa PBB, Pilipinas Got Talent, o kung ano pa mang contest sa TV. Naging kultura na nga po siguro, pero hanggang ngayon po ba e iboboto natin ang napupusuan natin dahil lang sikat, o namimigay ng pera, o matunog ang pangalan? Iboboto dahil pogi o maganda? O dahil lang kababayan?
Siguro karamihan po sa inyo ay pagkamatulungin ang batayan sa pagpili. Wala pong masama dyan; maganda po yan. Pero sana po tinitignan din natin ang motibo nila sa pagtulong; baka naman po hangad lang nilang mabili ang suporta’t boto natin imbes na talagang mapabuti tayo. Matuto po sana tayong alamin ang kaibahan ng trabaho sa kawanggawa, at piliin po natin ang mga kandidatong hindi lang basta namimigay ng ayuda kundi nag-e-empower din sa mga taong tulungan ang mga sarili nila. Wala pong masamang makatanggap ng tulong pero hindi po makakabuti sa atin ang pagiging pala-asa sa gobyerno.
Panigurado marami ring boboto ayon sa kapakinabangan sa kanila kahit na may madedehado. Kung kayo po ay nakatanggap ng tulong, mabuti po yan. Pero habang isinasaalang-alang po natin ang sarili nating kapakinabangan, isipin din natin kung ano ang makakabuti sa mas nakakarami. Nakakalungkot pong isipin na panay nating ipinagmamalaki ang “bayanihan” pero pagdating sa eleksyon, marami po ang nagiging makasarili. Pumili po tayo ng mga kandidatong ipapanalo ang lahat, hindi ang iilan lang. Pare-pareho naman po tayong naghahangad na umunlad.
Ang iba naman po siguro ay tikas o “kamay na bakal” ang hinahanap sa kandidato. Medyo sensitibong usapin po yan; sa tingin ko po, kung kaya naman po nating disiplinahin ang mga sarili natin at marunong tayong mahiya sa kapwa natin, di na natin kailangan nito masyado. Pero kung yan po ang trip nyo, siguruhin nyo lang pong patas at walang kikilingan yang kamay na bakal na yan. Kadalasan po kasi ganyan e; ang higpit sa mga ordinaryong tao at wagas kung manggipit ng kaaway, pero pagdating sa mga kaibigan at kaalyado, todo-kunsinti at minsan pinupuri pa. Di lang naman po siguro ako ang sukang-suka na sa kultura ng padrino, palakasan, at pagpapakasipsip dito sa atin. Maiba naman na po sana.
At sa inyo namang kasikatan, pagka-artistahin at talento sa pagsayaw, pagkanta, o kung ano pa ang batayan sa pagpili ng iboboto, mag-isip naman po tayo. Ganun din po kung iboboto natin dahil lang kababayan, o magaling ang magulang, o mahusay lang magsalita. Sana po hindi ganitong kababaw ang mga kadahilanan natin sa pagpili ng mga kandidato. Wala pong gustong matawag na bobo kaya ipakita naman po natin, kahit sa Lunes lang pero sana lagi, na nag-iisip tayo. Sabi nga po sa Ingles, “we can do better.”
Piliin po natin ang may kakayahan, may integridad, may nagawa na, at tunay na hinahangad ang pag-unlad nating lahat, yung klase ng tagapaglingkod na hindi magsisinungaling, hindi magnanakaw, at hindi tayo pagsasamantalahan. Sana po hindi na tayo nagpapadala sa mga mababangong salita, o sa mga pasayaw-sayaw at pakanta-kanta, o sa mga pa-bibo lang. Sinuman po ang iboboto ninyo, sana po hindi ninyo pagsisihan.

Boboto ka ba?

Hey there. I hope you're doing great.
First, a heads-up: I'm taking a break from writing on Makiroll throughout May and June. Not because of burnout, don't worry, but because I'd like to take the time to reflect on my goals and how best to spend my personal time to achieve them.
In the last few months I've been preoccupied with rebuilding my personal brand after two "meh" years, and before that, a turbulent year at work that decimated whatever confidence I had in myself. I started Makiroll as part of that recovery effort, hoping to build for myself an independent space for self-expression (which I now have, thankfully). Makiroll was never meant to be just a blog, though, and since relaunching last January I've been thinking of switching to a Tumblr-like newsfeed format later this year, combining my usual long-form writing with photos, short messages, and videos.
That's not going to happen, though. At least not this year. It's been a challenge to focus on anything lately, and I couldn't be less enthused about a side pursuit that involves software development—the same thing I spend 8 hours a day at work doing or at least dealing with. It's not that I'm getting tired of it; I've just been craving for something different to sink my mind into.
And speaking of somethig different, I've also been thinking quite a lot about the investment I'm willing to make in Makiroll, or at least the blog aspect of it. People, apparently, can't be bothered with reading long-form prose anymore; this reality has hung over my head since day one, and as a result I adopted an expression-over-readership mindset to keep me focused on writing. But I'd be lying if I said I never cared, because there's no denying that the time I spend on Makiroll and every article is an investment and part of me wants to see a return on it. Lately I've been exploring other pursuits that might either be more worthwhile or help me rebuild my confidence more quickly, and although I'm not giving up on writing just yet, I might have to scale back some of my plans for Makiroll.
I just need to give myself time to reconsider the motivations vis-a-vis my short- and medium-term aspirations. I won't be able to do that amid the pressure to put out something new, so I'm taking a break for now.
It won't be long. I'll be back.

Free time

Dear JM,
Congratulations on your <a href="https://makiroll.net/sablay">graduation</a>. I’m sure you’re feeling celebratory right now, and you’ll likely stay that way for at least another month. Soak it in; making it through college is quite an accomplishment. You’ve spent much of the first two decades of your life studying hard to get to this point. Not everyone gets the kind of opportunity that you have, so give yourself time to savor your success.
I am writing to you from the future—11 years into the future, to be exact. No, I’m not gonna tell you everything about the next decade because that is not the point of this letter and I’d rather not rob you of the thrill of not knowing. All I can tell you is that it’s not a great time to be alive, but it’s manageable; you’ll turn out just fine. Anyway, I’m writing to give you the kind of pep talk I wish I had when I was your age, not to dampen your mood or anything, but to help you prepare for what lies ahead.
As the elation fades and the reality of adulthood sets in, you’ll have every opportunity to validate what you’ve known and believed in. Up until recently, your life revolved around doing well in school and seizing every opportunity to achieve to 1) graduate on time with honors, as you just did, and 2) make the people around you proud. You’ve always believed that academic excellence, as evidenced (rather ineffectively, as you’ll see) by good grades, is the key to success, as you may have heard from grownups far too many times already. This belief is what drove you to aim for the top spots in class every term, join academic competitions to boost your cred, and tune out anything that distracted or could distract you—be it sports, extracurriculars, or your short Web Team stint back in high school.
To be fair, the grownups were right. Come to think of it, you are already successful. Bagging the Best Thesis award, let alone finishing a thesis in one term, is no simple feat. Graduating cum laude is a goal many students share, but few manage to realize. You managed to accomplish both, and I’m sure your loved ones and friends couldn’t be prouder. You were never a teacher’s pet, and growing up you’ve given your mentors a fair share of headaches, but I’m sure they couldn’t be more delighted about how you turned out to be; you owe it in large part to them, and you may soon find yourself seeking every opportunity to pay it forward. You have already accomplished so much, and you’re just getting started.
But all of that is in the past now. In the coming days, weeks, months, and years, you’ll be working not anymore for good grades, but to establish yourself in your chosen career. I’m sure you’ve spent copious amounts of time recently imagining what the next ten years will be like. Perhaps you’ve imagined yourself making it big as an IT professional, managing to leave librarianship to pursue your passion at some point in the future. Perhaps you’ve imagined yourself in the comfort of your own home, driving around the city in your own car, and buying the gadgets you’re drooling over with your own money. Perhaps you’ve imagined yourself traveling quite a lot, either out of your own pocket or as part of your job. Dream on; it’s free, and so long as you don’t overdo it, it doesn’t hurt.
You were never wrong to aim for good grades and academic honors; meritocracy is still a thing and will likely remain so. But if you think that these accomplishments are enough to send you soaring to stratospheric heights, as I’m sure you’ve been inclined to all these years, you’re sorely mistaken.
Once upon a time, intellect was everything. Study hard, the grownups said, and the good things of the world will come to you—opportunities, fame, and fortune. But times have changed. You’ve shuddered at the thought of not making it through college, but the game-changing companies you look up to—Facebook, Google, Apple, and Microsoft, to name a few—were founded by college dropouts. In the coming years, you’ll see that people who manage to succeed in what they do and build significant influence are not necessarily the brightest ones in class, but the ones whose passion drives them to achieve more. It’ll seem unfair because you’ve studied so hard as a student to land a good job yet these people who don’t have as many credentials as you have are simply taking a stab at it, having fun doing what they love, and making a lot of money and clout in the process. But that’s the way it is.
You don’t have to be Mark Zuckerberg, Steve Jobs, or some YouTuber with millions of subscribers to realize this. As you grow in your chosen career, you’ll see that your accomplishments as student matter less and the way you work matters more. Academic excellence helps a great deal; I’d be lying if I told you it hasn’t helped me somehow. But self-confidence, grit, and EQ are just as essential as IQ for success, if not more so. Now these are things you couldn’t be bothered with when you were younger, right? You thought they were unnecessary at best and a distraction from your quest for high grades at worst, right? And it shows: your vision of success is vague at best, you kinda suck at handling fellow humans, and you couldn’t be persistent enough to plow through hurdles to achieve your goals. I don’t mean to offend you just now, but I’m telling you; these deficiencies will eventually start to bite, and you’ll badly want to catch up.
Allow me to digress a bit. I’m sure that growing up you’ve been frustrated countless times by not being able to do something because you were too young, and this frustration must have led you to think that adulthood brings freedom. Well, it does, but there’s a catch: you are accountable for every decision you make, and if said decision doesn’t work well for you, you’ll have to suck it up and move on—grownups won’t be coming to your rescue, and rightfully so. You’ll have the opportunity to make your own money, but whether that’ll lead to a better life or not will depend on how much you spend and what you spend it on. You now have the freedom to court the girl you’re interested in without worrying about repercussions if your grades start to slip, but there’s a lot more to love than sparks and enjoying time together. You have to be ready.
Anyway, as I was saying, you’ve already done enough in the knowledge and credentials departments; so much, in fact. But neither your Best Thesis award nor your Latin honors nor earning your degree from a leading university will get you promoted (but a master’s degree helps—think about it) or closer to being the great and successful JM you dream of becoming. In fact these accomplishments, important as they are, won’t matter much anymore once you’re at the workplace; your bosses won’t be looking at how well you did as a student, but at how well you do at work. You’ll need a healthy amount of these as well:
Intention. Of course you want to become successful, but whatever your idea of success is, you have to be able to set clear goals and milestones to aim for, and more importantly, have the resolve to see them through. Learn to chart your own course. Don’t just let life happen to you; you may believe in divine providence and perhaps serendipity, but you always have to do your part.
Self-confidence. This is probably going to be quite an upgrade for you, and rightfully so; you’ve hated being the center of attention, and you’ve always been too anxious for your own good. Remember back in high school when you’d just freeze when the teacher calls you to recite or speak in front of the class? That’s the problem. You may not be as handsome, or as full of charisma, or as articulate, but you’re no slouch either. Why not make the most of your talents and skills to break the spell for once? Do it; you’ll be amazed at what you can achieve.
Grit. This sounds overrated, but its importance cannot be understated. Grit is having the courage to pursue your passions and dreams despite the hurdles, the perseverance to keep moving forward amid adversity, and the resolve to see your goals through no matter what. Things can and will be difficult at times, and you will be reminded of this reality much too often, but difficulty should prevent you from pushing on. Do whatever you can to control the things you can control, and entrust to God the things that you can’t. Just because you couldn’t get parallel parking right after a dozen attempts doesn’t mean you should stop learning to drive. Just because the path to being your own boss is fraught with hurdles (e.g. not knowing enough about business, not having enough money to invest) doesn’t mean you should spend the rest of your life working for someone else. Always remember that you should never allow yourself to be a victim of your own circumstances.
Emotional intelligence. One of the reasons I like computers and pursued a career involving them is that they’re easy to work with: they just do what they’re told, they don’t argue with you, and they don’t take it against you when you don’t pay enough attention to them. But the fact of the matter is that you will not be pursuing your passions alone. You will be working with people. You will be given opportunities to inspire and influence people. People will eventually start looking up to you. And people are complicated. You have to be sensitive enough to understand where they’re coming from, what their needs and wants are, and how you can help them. You need to work well with them, even if their personalities and views are in opposition to yours. You need to learn to appreciate even the smallest things they do for you, at the very least to say “thank you” and give credit where credit is due. Help them succeed whenever you have the chance to do so; their success is yours as well. Don’t waste the opportunity to tell your loved ones that you love them; better yet, make them feel how much you do. And—this is VERY important—never let your feelings prevent you from being at your best or trying again when you fail, and don’t be too hard on yourself.
Your greatest challenger is none other than yourself. Opportunities to succeed, achieve, and influence won’t be served to you on a silver platter on account of your academic performance, I’m afraid, and you’ll have to work just as well, if not better, than anyone else. Take note; work well, not hard. There’s a difference.
You have a great life ahead of you, JM, and I believe in you. All these years you’ve been aiming not to be the best, but to be at your best, and you know the difference very well. Keep moving forward. Don’t let anything bring you down. And I know this probably won’t make much sense to you now, but God knows you well enough to know your innermost desires and aspirations, and He would love to help you succeed if you’d only let Him. I hope I haven’t just thrown ice water on your jubilation; I just wanted to reach out, and I hope this letter will help you realize your full potential in the coming decade and beyond. Aim high because you can. Aim high because it means being at your best. Aim high because it glorifies the God who equipped you with the hardware and software to do so.
Again, congratulations, and stay awesome.
Regards,
JM

Sablay X

Hey there. If you've visited Makiroll recently, you may have noticed by now that everything looks slightly different. It was a long time coming, but I finally managed to give this site a custom look, with some optimizations thrown in for good measure. Version 0.2 of Makiroll is not yet the grand-launch-worthy release I have in mind, but it's a step forward.
The first version of Makiroll ran on <a href="https://ghost.org/">Ghost</a>, because building yet another WordPress website was out of the question and I wanted a lightweight blogging platform to build on, and used a neat free theme called <a href="https://github.com/eddiesigner/liebling">Liebling</a>. While I didn't have the bandwidth to work on a new look at the time, I had planned to build a custom theme just in time for the site's supposed grand launch in July 2020. The difficulty of living through a pandemic prevented me from hitting my milestones, but I did manage to roll out a new design early last year. Unfortunately, <a href="https://makiroll.net/the-lost-redesign">it didn't last</a>.
<h2 id="warninggeekcontentahead">Warning: geek content ahead</h2>
When I decided to relaunch Makiroll this year, I had already set my sights on rebuilding on a platform that was <a href="https://jamstack.org/">modern, performant, and cost-effective</a>. Not that running a Ghost site 24/7 was costly, but I could use something that could start really small and scale effortlessly. The problem was that I still didn't have the bandwidth to work on a new design, so I ended up porting just enough of Liebling to <a href="https://nextjs.org/">Next.js</a> to recreate the original Makiroll. Because I was in a rush to get the site up and running, I ended up doing a lazy port, only rewriting the templates while reusing the original scripts and stylesheets. It worked, but it clearly wasn't the best way to do it.
Thus, my primary goal for v0.2 was to do the porting right. I re-implemented all JavaScript functionality, such as animations and the dark mode switch, in Next.js/React and imported the source Sass files right into the project for ease of customization. It was quite a lot of work, but I was able to significantly reduce bundle sizes, improve page load times, and reintroduce the "scroll to top" button on post pages. And while I was at it, I decided to use image optimization features built into Next.js to further improve performance.
I've decided to give non-JavaScript users some love, too. Before today, visitors using browsers with JavaScript disabled were greeted with a blank page:
<img src="https://res.cloudinary.com/mkrlwebsvrcontent/image/upload/v1646144874/vertis/content/posts/Screenshot_2022-03-01_222657_ewcudc.jpg" alt="" />
Not anymore. Animated components such as the welcome banner will look just fine on a browser without JavaScript, so visitors who choose to turn off JavaScript for whatever reason aren't left out. JavaScript is still required on mobile devices, though, as it's the only way I can display the navigation menu. I could refactor the UX but I'd rather save the effort for v1.
<h2 id="onthevergeofchange">On the verge of change</h2>
Makiroll v0.2, incremental as it is, represents a step forward for a personal project hampered by pandemic-induced burnout, among other things, and a little victory worth celebrating. This also represents the last step before <a href="https://makiroll.net/the-soft-launch">this humble blog</a> transforms into the personal space and canvas I've envisioned it to be. I recently began working on Version 1, a major rewrite (and rethink) of Makiroll that'll probably take several months, and I look forward to launching it before the year ends, hopefully during a more normal time (we're getting there).
I haven't been able to write much this past month. Focusing on anything has been quite a challenge lately, and I'm still working on it. I'll be back, hopefully in a few weeks, with ramblings on social media and a few other things. In the meantime, I'm active <a href="https://twitter.com/MKRLLR">on Twitter</a> again after months of swearing off the platform.
As always, thanks for stopping by, and stay awesome.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Firstly, let’s congratulate one another on making it through 1/12 of this year. It’s been a struggle to keep my head up in the last two years, and it may also be the case for others, so I consider making it through one month without sinking into depression or getting burned out—and amid yet another COVID surge at that—quite an accomplishment. We’re almost two years into the pandemic, yet in my opinion not much attention has been paid to the “shadow pandemic” of depression and anxiety that has afflicted me, my loved ones, and countless other people. I’m recovering, thankfully, and I’ve shifted my focus from managing the stress to embracing the “new normal” as the COVID situation eases once more; I hopefully it’ll last this time.
Secondly, an update to Makiroll is coming next month. It’s not going to be a big one, just an interim release with a substantial look-and-feel revamp and some performance improvements to give the site its own identity while version 1.0 takes shape. I was aiming to launch the update later this month and the new version is almost ready for testing, but I decided to cut myself some slack and push the launch date to March 5th. It’s not yet the grand-launch-worthy Makiroll I’ve been aiming for, but I'm getting there.
Thirdly, I’m making a slight change to my approach to writing on Makiroll. My original plan was to publish one long-form post every two weeks to allow enough time for research, writing, artwork (whenever applicable), and revision, but I’ve never been able to stick to the schedule because of time constraints (this is just a pastime, after all) and the occasional writer’s block. I still have a handful of topics in the pipeline, but while I try to find time this month to get one off the presses, I’ll publish shorter posts like this one from time to time to keep the site current. My plan is to morph Makiroll into a news feed with different types of content, much like you’d see on Facebook, but that won’t happen until version 1.0 arrives later this year. In the meantime, excuse my ramblings as you might see more of them here.
As always, thanks for stopping by, and stay awesome.

A quick update

Hello everyone.
This week’s been a busy one so far, and next week is shaping up to be just as busy, so I probably won’t be able to return to writing until early February.
Makiroll has only been around since 2020 but I started writing way earlier, from the simple <a href="https://www.blogger.com/about/?bpli=1">Blogger</a> blog I set up in late 2006 to my 3-year Multiply habit, and eventually <a href="http://web.archive.org/web/20151222161146/https://makiroll.net/the-requisite-first-post-8253c9110ed4?gi=bc207e3986da">a Medium blog named “The Makiroll”</a> in 2015. I was able to save much of my writing from 2008 to 2014 and from a brief return to blogging in February 2018, and to make this site less lonely while I worked on new content two years ago, I’ve re-posted a few of them here.
Since I’ll probably be too preoccupied to write for a while, I’ve decided to feature more old writing and backdate the ones I previously re-posted. If you have the patience, sit back, relax, and enjoy musings and rants from when my greatest concerns were getting out of college and adjusting to adulthood:
<h2 id="uncertaintyhttpsmakirollnetuncertainty"><a href="https://makiroll.net/uncertainty">Uncertainty.</a></h2>
21 October 2008, from an old blog
Being the immature control freak that I was 14 years ago, the concept of uncertainty itself unsettled me. This essay documents part of the thought process that led me to learn to plan my life around it.
<h2 id="hownottoapproachgirlshttpsmakirollnethownottoapproachgirls"><a href="https://makiroll.net/how-not-to-approach-girls">How not to approach girls.</a></h2>
20 September 2009, from an old blog
Not something I’m proud of, definitely, but I find it amusing and others might, too.
<h2 id="typhoonsfacebookandpanichttpsmakirollnettyphoonsfacebookandpanic"><a href="https://makiroll.net/typhoons-facebook-and-panic">Typhoons, Facebook, and panic.</a></h2>
22 October 2009, from an old blog
The onslaught of <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Typhoon_Ketsana#Philippines">Typhoon Ondoy (a.k.a. Ketsana)</a> brought flooding to much of Metro Manila and nearby provinces, turning riverside communities into murky seas littered with debris. I didn’t have the mobility to head to a volunteer center to help pack relief goods, so I settled for being an armchair Good Samaritan by sharing valuable information and flagging one fake news post after another.
<h2 id="sablayhttpsmakirollnetsablay"><a href="https://makiroll.net/sablay">Sablay.</a></h2>
17 April 2011, from Facebook
The alternative title for this one is “The graduation speech that wasn’t.”
<h2 id="akonahttpsmakirollnetakona"><a href="https://makiroll.net/ako-na">Ako na.</a></h2>
23 July 2011, from Facebook
I’m rarely sentimental, but a strange dream left me wondering how much I could care for someone.
<h2 id="notquitethereyethttpsmakirollnetnotquitethereyet"><a href="https://makiroll.net/not-quite-there-yet">Not quite there yet.</a></h2>
12 September 2012, from Facebook
Before I became a software engineer, I was a librarian. After <a href="https://twitter.com/y4it/status/245343193208594432">a speaking engagement</a> one fine Tuesday morning, I began to reflect on being part of the library profession and my desire to be a different kind of librarian. First in a series of posts on librarianship.
<h2 id="mandatehttpsmakirollnetmandate"><a href="https://makiroll.net/mandate">Mandate.</a></h2>
Unpublished (date-stamped 19 May 2013)
This was the supposed follow up to “Sablay,” but ended up in the depths of my archives as I contemplated leaving librarianship to pursue a career in technology.
<h2 id="makinglibrarianshipawesomehttpsmakirollnetmakinglibrarianshipawesome"><a href="https://makiroll.net/making-librarianship-awesome">Making librarianship awesome.</a></h2>
30 November 2014, from Facebook
This was pretty much my final word on librarianship, written months into my new career journey as a software engineer. Much of it was rambling about my frustrations as a librarian and why I thought I’d never measure up because my aspirations were out of line with those befitting of a librarian. The rest is history.
<h2 id="tenthousandhttpsmakirollnettenthousand"><a href="https://makiroll.net/ten-thousand">Ten thousand.</a></h2>
21 February 2018, from Facebook and <a href="http://web.archive.org/web/20151222161146/https://makiroll.net/the-requisite-first-post-8253c9110ed4?gi=bc207e3986da">“The Makiroll” on Medium</a>
Shifting gears from librarianship to faith this time. A love letter to God, basically, on my birthday.
<h2 id="foriknowtheplansihaveforyouhttpsmakirollnetforiknowtheplansihaveforyou"><a href="https://makiroll.net/for-i-know-the-plans-i-have-for-you">For I know the plans I have for you.</a></h2>
24 February 2018, from <a href="http://web.archive.org/web/20151222161146/https://makiroll.net/the-requisite-first-post-8253c9110ed4?gi=bc207e3986da">“The Makiroll” on Medium</a>
This is another one of those rare instances where I don’t write about technology or anything that frustrates me. I normally only share faith testimonies in church or with loved ones, but I think this one deserves a spot on the public Internet.
That’s it for now. As always, thanks for stopping by.

Throwback Tuesday

<a href="https://makiroll.net/the-soft-launch">Exactly two years to this day</a>, I started Makiroll as a meaningful diversion and a space for self-expression. Starting a blog nowadays may seem counterintuitive as social media has proven to be a very effective (if not meaningful) diversion and creative space for most people, but:
<ol>
<li>I wanted my own space, well away from algorithmic overlords and without the clutter of comments and reactions.</li>
<li>I’ve had it with <a href="https://medium.com/">Medium</a> and its <a href="https://www.nngroup.com/articles/login-walls/">login walls</a>.</li>
<li>Facebook used to have a Notes feature that I used for long-form posts, but they got rid of it long ago.</li>
<li>The custom development would make for a good pet project.</li>
</ol>
Hence the first version of Makiroll, a generic Ghost blog with <a href="https://github.com/eddiesigner/liebling">a ready-made theme</a>, went up in the evening of January 18th, 2020. The site needed a lot more work and I didn’t even have a plan, but it was enough to have the platform up and running. I had yet to write new posts, so I had to make do with old writings I dug up from my archives while I worked on a few drafts.
Then the pandemic hit. I found it difficult to write as lockdown fatigue started to take its toll, so I decided to shut the site down in September. I made three relaunch attempts last year, but it was a struggle to get anything done as I navigated the stress, anxiety, and burnout from the prolonged lockdown and repeated surges. Makiroll remained up, but only as a static copy to save on hosting costs.
And now, here we are. I spent the past week getting Makiroll back to life, or at least working well enough to publish new content. Two years after I started, I’m getting back to work on this site. Everything looks the same, but expect to see changes here and there in the coming months. For now, it’s enough to have the platform up and running and ready to take my musings again.
My first post in years (apart from this one, of course) will be dropping in the coming days. It’s been a while so this will take some getting used to, but it’s good to have you along for the journey.
Welcome to Makiroll.

Hello again.

And so it begins.
I thought I could use a creative outlet of sorts, hence this blog. As you can tell, there’s not much going on here, just this post rendered in the default theme my blog platform came with. I plan to do some more front-end development on this and maybe post one essay per week, and in the coming days I’ll be reposting content from previous iterations of my blog to make this place a bit less lonely. But for now, this will do.

The soft launch.

4th of June. I woke up at 4:30am, much earlier than usual, from a dream that left me with the kind of unease that I dreaded for the longest time. Distressed, I called on God and asked Him what the dream was for. Was it a message of hope, or a cruel reminder of a future that had just become next to impossible? It had only been a week since His love found me, I had yet to know and receive Him, and yet I was already on the verge of a crisis of faith.
I pulled the earbuds out on my way to church; the Christian music I grew fond of just wasn't cutting it. I tried hard to wear a smile and please God for the rest of the morning despite my glaring unbelief. "At least I went to church today," I thought, harkening back to my previous life where going to church was merely a matter of routine - a feel-good activity, so to speak. Once again God felt distant, and I was slowly consumed by guilt, as I had been the day before. What could have been a special lunch at the nearby city center turned into a vicious guilt trip as everything within my sight reminded me of what I had lost. "Lord, where are You?" I whispered as I walked with my head down for the next half-hour until I figured out I couldn't stay there any longer.
I arrived at a mall, at another city center several kilometers away, at around 2pm. I was hungry, and figuring out that good food would somehow lift my spirits up, I waited in line at a katsu restaurant; after all, Japanese food has always been enjoyable for me. The guilt trip continued as I ate cup after cup of rice alongside slices of breaded pork and a mound of shredded cabbage that I drenched in mayonnaise. Food had been my go-to comfort activity for years, but lo and behold, not even the food could cut it. It was a delicious meal, filling and enjoyable, but woefully ineffective. I just had to do something else. I just had to pray.
I set out to look for a quiet place where I could pray. There was a chapel above the mall, but masses were scheduled hourly so there was barely any time for quiet prayer. Fat chance looking for a sanctuary in the middle of the city, I thought as I left the mall. I decided to use the walk as a time for prayer anyway, and amid the sea of buildings and cars I called out to God.
"Lord, I'd like to thank You for the delicious food I just had, for which You have provided, but this is much too heavy. Perhaps this is what I get for running away from You, for disobeying You, for taking Your gifts for granted, for being a wretch of a man…"
After several minutes I spoke less about the guilt I had and began asking God about the dream. "What was that for? Are you telling me not to give up, that there's hope?" I could not wrap my head around the idea that He would leave me a sliver of hope despite what I have done. I asked question after question until I reached the end of the road - roughly 4 kilometers from my starting point.
I had a brainwave as I headed back - perhaps I was talking too much and listening too little. I began asking God to speak, expecting something inexplicably supernatural to happen in the next several minutes. Would it be a booming voice from heaven, like when Jesus was baptized? Would I be struck with a blinding light, like Paul, and somehow find the answer in the resulting sea of white? I didn't know; all I wanted was for God to speak. I realized I was being tempted to walk away, to disembark from the journey I began a week prior. But God couldn't have sought me simply to punish me. I kept inviting Him to speak; "Through It All" played continuously in my head as I tirelessly walked past store after store.
I was about to cross a narrow road when a black vehicle drove past me. At the rear window was a decal that looked like a Bible reference. "Jeremiah 2…" I couldn't make out the chapter and verse numbers; it could be 26:1, 26:11, 28:1, or 28:11. Another black vehicle drove past mere seconds later, this time with a decal that read "Powered by Jesus." I was intrigued. God must be speaking, I thought. I decided to head back once more. Upon crossing the road a jeepney with a large "IN GOD WE TRUST" banner in front of it sped past me.
I was walking down yet another row of stores and restaurants when I got a text from my mother. My sister, who was sick for the almost the entire week but seemed fine the previous day, was once again having a high fever. I lost it.
"Seriously, Lord? I've spent all day bothered by my own problem and now this? I know I deserve punishment but this… I mean, have I really gone so bad to deserve this? Do you even love me still?"
I stopped praying. I stopped thinking. I just… stopped. I decided to just head back to the mall, have my dinner, buy a thermometer for my sister, and head home. It was getting dark, after all. I had become unlovable, I thought, and I had to deal with it. Yet I was intrigued by the Jeremiah reference; I took out my phone, launched the Bible app, and tried to figure out which verse it was. 26:1 didn't seem to make sense, and neither did 26:11, 28:1, or 28:11. I bothered to try 56:1, 56:11, 58:1, and 58:11, until I realized that the book of Jeremiah only had 52 chapters. I was clueless. I thought of it over dinner as I ate. Having had dinner and dropped by the drugstore, I decided to go home. It was around 7pm, and I expected heavy traffic on the way home. I was much too tired to switch between modes of transport so I figured out I'd just take an Uber. I got a driver after a short wait, but he seemed confused and circled the adjacent block again and again, seemingly unable to figure out how to get to the mall's driveway. He arrived more than 15 minutes later.
I listened to random songs as the vehicle drove toward the highway. This is my life now, I thought, and I just had to deal with it. Traffic was not as heavy as I expected, and billboard after billboard flew past me as I wallowed in my misery. I'm no stranger to the sight of so many billboards; I've lived in the city all my life, and I've plied the same route countless times.
And then, either before or after crossing the Pasig river, one of those billboards caught my attention. It was one of those electronic billboards serving lame video ads, but at that moment not much was on it but these words:
<blockquote>
 I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME.
 Philippians 4:13
</blockquote>
I looked to the left, and there was another billboard with the words "KNOW GOD'S PLAN." Above it were the words "READ THE BIBLE." I thought, "well, yeah, I've started attending Bible study. I'll keep going."
After a quick stop at the service station, the vehicle sped in the direction of Eastwood City, where I spent the morning and early afternoon. I remembered the awful guilt-trip experience, but yet another billboard beamed with these words:
<blockquote>
 DELIGHT IN THE LORD AND HE WILL GIVE YOU THE DESIRES OF YOUR HEART.
 Psalm 37:4
</blockquote>
I began thinking, "God must be talking to me." I looked around as I headed toward Katipunan Avenue. The electronic billboard at Ateneo has been a familiar sight and I've paid little attention to it, but at that moment it was showing prayers and Bible verses. As the vehicle stopped, these words were on:
<blockquote>
 Lord, thank You for the gift of another day to love, to serve, and to live according to Your will.
</blockquote>
I closed my eyes for a few seconds. "Lord, I know You're speaking to me right now. Go ahead; I'm listening."
I arrived home after that half-hour trip, and upon settling I remembered the Jeremiah verse I couldn't figure out. It must be a popular verse, I thought, so I took the phone out of my pocket and fired up Google. Just as I finished typing "Jeremiah 2," suggestions came up. I clicked on the first one, "Jeremiah 29 11." I looked at the results and saw these words:
<blockquote>
 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord…
</blockquote>
I dropped the phone, stood up, and looked up in awe. The guilt, the gloom, and the confusion all seemed to vanish right at that moment. God had just spoken, and nothing in the world mattered to me more than the fact that He listened and He answered. He held onto me even as I could no longer hold on to Him. I spent the rest of the night in prayer and worship. "Lord, now I know that You have a plan for me; I'll trust in You now." I began the day confused, depressed, and feeling crummy with all the guilt, but I ended it with a kind of joy I would not get anywhere else.
I called onto God. He heard me, He listened to me, and He answered.
<blockquote>
 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
 Jeremiah 29:11–13
</blockquote>

For I know the plans I have for you.

Slightly edited version of a note I posted on Facebook.
Dear Lord,
It's been a very, very long time since I last wrote You a letter. Thank You for this day and all the other days You've given me. It's a shame that I didn't bother to thank You for most of those days, so I'd like to take this opportunity to thank You and give You praise for the gift of life You've sustained in me for nearly three decades now.
Thank You, Lord, for protecting and strengthening my parents in the roughly 273 days during which You crafted me in my mother's womb. There are many ways for a pregnancy to go wrong, but Your mantle of protection covered me even before I was born into the world. You knew my parents' desire in their hearts for a child of their own; You listened to their every prayer, and You responded with the kind of love and faithfulness that reaches to the ends of the universe and transcends all human understanding.
Your love prevailed as I took my first breath on that February afternoon. You watched over as I grew up, gifted me with skills and talents through which I achieved great things, not to brag about them but to serve as manifestations of Your glory, and encouraged me in times of trouble. You strengthened me in times of adversity, hindered my enemies from prevailing, and established my paths even as I tended to chart my own.
Your love prevailed even as I veered away from the course You have set. As I grew up, I began to reduce You to a mere system of legalisms, barely made an effort to know You beyond what I've been told and much less to serve You wholeheartedly, and ventured into worldly pursuits that I became mired in for years on end. My heart grew cold, my spirit weary, and my mind weighed down by frustration. At times I tried to hide from You in shame for what I had become.
Yet Your love pursued me. Your love prevailed.
You have taken me on an amazing journey, one in which more of Your character was revealed to me with each passing day, one in which I experienced the overwhelming reality of Your love and faithfulness even as I did not deserve any of it. I am but a tiny speck in the vastness of the universe that You created, yet You chose to save me, take my broken pieces, and make me whole again. It boggles the mind trying to figure out how an immensely powerful and glorious God, who's got everything figured out, would care so much about me and pursue the little mess of a young man that I was. On this journey You taught me the meaning of faith, hope, love, and grace. True to your promise, You've never left me. You've listened to my every prayer, and spoke whenever I needed You to come through. You came into my heart, filled me with Your Spirit, and I will never be the same again.
Lord, You know my heart's desires. You've got everything figured out while I'm still figuring out adulthood, yet for the longest time I chose to struggle with the wheel than let You take it. I know that You have great plans for me and that the course I'm on is the work of Your mighty hand. I may not understand how the pieces fit together, but troubling they may be, I'll find comfort in Your sovereignty and presence in my life. Thank You, Lord, for the hope and peace that I have in You. Fill my heart with Your love, and fill me with Your Spirit - the Spirit that gives life, establishes my paths, and provides the strength to fight sin and resist the schemes of man and evil. Strengthen my body and spirit so that I may serve You and be an instrument of blessing to others. Continue to write my story, and make me a living testimony of Your goodness, faithfulness, and wonder.
As the psalmist declares, Your goodness and mercy surely will follow me for the rest of my life. Have Your way in me, Lord, and grant that I may live every day of my life for Your glory. The road ahead may be long and winding, but I will not be daunted, for I know that I'm never alone. My hope is in You, Lord, and I give you all the glory and honor and the highest praises. In the mighty name of Jesus, my Lord and Savior, the Author and Perfecter of my faith, my Strength and Shield, my Shepherd.
Love, JM

Hello.I'm JM.